Local area resident Scott Johnson, a man locals know best for his unbathed, disgusting appearance and his eye-watering stench was awarded a citation for bravery for saving a Janitville couple and their baby from a burning building. The infant, Daniel Denk, was upstairs in his parent's split-level bungalow on Crupp Ave. when a gas explosion in the family kitchen ignited a fast-moving blaze. Mr. Johnson, who happened to be passing by, entered the burning building and pulled Daniel's unconscious parents, Patty and Dave from the kitchen, then re-entered the burning house to retrieve the infant. "When he came out his clothes were on fire," said Patty Denk, adding, "It smelled like burning shit." The award for "Bravery Befitting a Hero" was presented by Sheriff Wannabough's secretary, Janice Young, at Janetville General where Mr. Johnson remains in serious condition with 2nd degree burns. Asked for comment, Ms. Young said, "He smells like shit."

Janitville resident and reformed reservoir tainter, Hatch Fielding claims to have made a once-in-a-lifetime discovery of a coyote with an unimaginable deformity. "I swear to god, one of its forelegs is a baby arm," Mr. Fielding stated to local wildlife officials. "I seen it bouncing along all strange and feeble like," he continued, "so I threw a brick at it. Bulls-eye." Mr. Fielding's aim seems to have improved since his conviction of tainting Burden Hole reservoir was secured upon evidence of one urine-soaked tennis shoe. "I followed it for several miles… all the way to its den." And what do you think he found there? "Bunch o' babies. Human babies only they didn't have no bottom jaws." After a thorough investigation of the incident, Ferny Forest Ranger Guth Marks has arrested Mr. Fielding for malicious mischief. "Mr. Fielding's done it again, pulled a fast one on us," Ranger Marks said. "Them babies got jaws." Ranger Marks plans to trap the wild babies and release them in Ferny State Forest, nearer to their natural prey, woodland skink.

Janitville's population grew by four this past weekend, when Bill and Whore Newly and their two children moved into the old Blanchard house on Ferny Road. Bill is the new assembly foreman at Thwacker Cabinet while Whore is a stay-at-home mom to the kids, Katie and Fuck.