Volume VI
Sept 11, 2011
Sept 11, 2011
 MAN SEALS HIMSELF IN WALL TO RAISE FUNDS FOR FILM David Kemker wasn't taking any chances when he packed sixty cans of beans
into a narrow space between the walls of his house. "I'm good for a couple months,"
he said, "which leaves me a week to recuperate before production starts." As an
independent filmmaker, he is not taking any chances that his fundraising stunt
will go unnoticed. He will be on camera around the clock and blogging constantly until the $7000 has
been donated. "I plan on using a wide-angle to convey the cramped quarters and
an unreliable reading lamp to plunge me in darkness without warning." Combined with vital sign monitors
and live-chat, Mr. Kemker hopes to engage donors in a viral giving campaign.
"I figure muscle atrophy will set in after about a week so I hope I don't have to stay longer than that,"
he said, taking isometric exercise diagrams to one of the inner walls. "But you never know," he added,
money is tight and it might get ugly, which could be hilarious."
 Mr. Kemker is raising money to shoot and direct a short ghost tale, "The Wall." It is the story of a man
who loses his house and moves in a narrow space between the walls. Production is scheduled
for October 24th, 2011, which leaves 67 days until principal photography begins. Sanitary conditions
could deteriorate rapidly for the filmmaker as he lacks a pot to piss in. "I've got a hose hooked up and
a fifty-five gallon drum in the basement, so I should be alright for a while," he said, punching a
pen through the wall to gain a view of his livingroom. That small opening will provide his only
visual contact with his family and friends who sealed him up with dry wall screws at midnight. "The hardest part
will be if people hold back donations because they enjoy watching me suffer," he said with a chuckle,
"but I don't think that will happen if I start screaming."
You can find Mr. Kemker at www.IndieGoGo.com/The-Wall-1 if you care to check on his welfare
or contribute to his film.
 Now playing at the Janitville Drive-In:Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
Starring: Allison Hayes |
MAN FINDS MONKEY IN BEER Pygmy Lemur Next time you have a beer, take it from Ken Brillidge of Whiteforth Ave., look inside first. Ken was in his back yard early Tuesday morning, hammering away at a case of suds when he noticed something crawl out of his freshly opened bottle. Brillidge recalls the incident, "It was a tiny man, with a tail and all covered in hair." The animal in question, a rare pygmy lemur, somehow survived what bottling experts say could have been anywhere from two to three weeks trapped in a bottle of lager. "I'm just glad he's okay," exclaimed Brillidge, "A tiny man like that could have drowned if he wasn't careful." Janitville zoo caretakers say the pygmy lemur had escaped during a cage cleaning and were happy to hear he'd been located. Brillidge, however seems reluctant to return the animal. "Just because he's a tiny man don't make him a lemur."
  Oslo Jenkins Dear Oslo...Free AdviceDear Oslo,
I've been depressed lately. The hardest is when I first wake up. It seems my own brain has become my alarm clock. Thoughts of being a loser and having failed in everything I've attempted wake me up early and sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed. Should I seek help? — Bad Dreams
Dear Bad,
Maybe you're onto something. As soon as I read your letter, I thought, "Whoa. What a loser." I don't know if they've invented a medication for loser-ness yet, but when they do, get the big bottle. Dear Oslo,
I have a FWB relationship (Friends With Benefits) and it's been amazing, really. She wants sex as much as I do which is almost all the time.... bing, bang, done, she goes home. But lately she's been hinting around about "getting serious", going on vacation together, meeting each others' families, etc. I like what we've got. How do I avert her desire to make it into something more? — Loving My Freedom
Dear Loving,
The way things are progressing, I think there are really only two paths available to you. One: drop your old preconceptions and embrace a new way of looking at what sounds like a relationship built on real understanding. Propose. Get down on one knee and ask her to share your life. Two: stop flushing. Dear Oslo,
I have become obsessed with global warming and the recurring thought that the oil companies are "The Beast" foretold in the Bible and other ancient prophesies. I feel like the end is near and nobody gives a damn. Am I sick? — Armageddon Boy
Dear Armageddon Boy,
You're not sick. The end IS near. And nobody gives a damn. Want some free advice?
Just ASK OSLO!
MAN CLAIMING TO BE SECOND COMING OF JESUS HITS MIRACLE HOMERUN Perry Faust, a man who has long claimed to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, and second baseman for the Janitville Legion baseball team, hit a walk-off homer last Saturday to seal a come-from-behind victory over regional rival Blufford. It was his eighteenth walk-off homer this year. The triumphant victory was dampened however, when Faust angrily overturned the concession stand.
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Oslo's Distraction of the Week♠ Jen & Sylvia Soska ♠
Actor/Director(s)  Get better acquainted with The Twisted Twins at:
CREWLEY TOUTS SIGNATURE HIDE THE POOR BILL Chopper-dropping flea-bags into Long Island Sound. U.S. Congressman Dex Crewley's controversial "Hide the Poor" bill took one step closer to becoming law today as it passed in The House of Representatives by a vote of 269-161. The bill, written specifically to alleviate the threat of billionaires or their offspring having to look at a poor person, sets up a number of programs aimed at solving this growing problem. "The bill breaks it down into a fairly simple 3-pronged attack aimed at reducing the number of destitute people in areas of high traffic," explains the popular, handsome and still single Congressman Dex Crewley, "I call it Hunt, Chop and Drop and for those worried about the cost... it's completely self-funded." Under the first part of Crewley's plan, a program co-sponsored by the National Rifleman Association, the homeless and destitute (with an emphasis on The Filthy) will be subject to on-the-spot culling in areas established according to billionaire proximity. Wall Street and Fifth Avenue in New York, the Capital building in D.C... South Beach near LeBron's house... these are examples of so-called Free-shot zones where year-round Homeless Hunting licenses would be made available to all residents and employees whose gross annual income exceeds $1 million dollars. "Sure the hunting licenses are expensive," Crewley admits, "but they completely cover administration and cleanup costs... and let's face it... 'Can I wash your windshield... POP!'... it's worth it!"
The second part of Crewley's plan, creates homeless traps using urban sewer and subway systems. "For the really disgusting ones," Congressman Crewley explains, "you know... with the matted hair and stinky clothes... boogers. We lure 'em into sewers and subways with McDonalds bags and cigarettes. We're still waiting on the results of a privately funded study, but it looks like we're gonna be able to make a pretty high-quality dogfood out of 'em. Again, pays for itself." Though Chopper-dropping flea bags into Long Island sound on July 4th may still not make it into law, Crewley remains upbeat. "I can dream, can't I?"
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