If Congressman Dex Crewley has his way, poverty will soon be a jailable offense. "They (poor people) are dirty," Crewley stated flatly, "dirty and lewd. They make rich people feel uncomfortable and sometimes give rich people a cold. It's got to stop." At a recent "Meet Your Congressman" event, Crewley illustrated his case by bringing along a poor person, a member of the "long-term unemployed" who was fighting off a sinus infection. "I couldn't believe my luck," gushed Crewley, "the guy's not just totally poor, he's sick, alone in the world and depressed. Talk about sending the point home! I didn't have to say a word. I just stood him up there and let him sneeze." Much to the dismay of homeless and poverty advocates, people Crewley likes to call "bum-huggers", his argument seems to be gaining momentum in the halls of legislature. "Do you have any idea how the flea-bitten poor make the well-to-do feel? With guys like this walking around, looking for a handout, sneezing ... many of the well-heeled feel like prisoners in their own gated communities. Prisoners! So I think it's really a question of who should be the prisoner? Bum? Or Boss."

A land boundary dispute turned ugly last week when long-time resident Pete Farleigh hi-jacked a bulldozer from an area landfill operation and flattened a wind-break of several hundred poplar trees.

In so doing, Mr. Farleigh, retired owner/operator of Pete's Guns & Liquor, unwittingly sheered the cap off a city gas line, igniting it in the process and setting off a 17 mile series of explosions that were clearly visible from the International Space station.  Flight Engineers Maxim Suraev and Oleg Kotov were conducting a test of TORU, the Russian telerobotically operated rendezvous system, when Mr. Suraev spotted the fire in the North American night sky.  "I am conducting test and I look out window and see flashes of light... many small flashes, then big one." The "big one" is believed to have been not one explosion but 573 simultaneous explosions as the entire Bigview Estates development outside Blufford lit up the Thursday night sky.  "That had nothing to do with me," claimed Mr. Farleigh.  "I ain't responsible for the world."

Dear Oslo,
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost a year now. The problem is, where I adore him for his sweetness and tender disposition, he is a bit conservative. He's very intent on "waiting until we're married" but I just don't buy that whole "all-sales final" approach to romance. What should I do?

TO BUYER of recently advertised mummified human body - Tim? - you need to bring that back immediately.